Relapse.

We make a lot of justifications to defend our actions when we are working to reform ourselves and our habits. "This is the last time" or "I will eat unhealthy tonight and will start eating healthy tomorrow" or "I will never drink alcohol again....after this time" or "I will start saving money after I buy these Chanel slingback block heels that are never available in my size that I can finance for 8 months and have in my possession within 3-5 business days (pending any inclement weather"... I'm betting you can guess which of those statements I struggled with last night. LOL, but not really. 

I'm not proud of my purchase. I will wear them a lot and am forced to keep them for life, but I am not proud. What is the point of a purchase like that if you can't afford it? Why do those things still matter to me? WHAT AM I STILL MISSING IN MY LIFE? I know and have awareness of a couple of key factors in this situation that will end up helping me to get back on track:

1. My Dad was an addict. He was also a beautiful soul and a very loving and generous person, but he was an addict with an addictive personality. Research shows that trait can be hereditary. Strike 1. 

2. I have been over consuming social media lately. I am not a fan of the quick come up influencers, but somehow, they've gotten under my skin lately. Strike 2. 

3. I haven't been working out as much (Ok, at all) and have been eating unhealthy. My body feels goopy and sad (it probably looks the same as it usually does). Am I doing anything to combat this? Nope. Strike 3. 

4. If there was a grand slam possibility when it came to strikes, or maybe just extra credit, it would be this last factor: STRESS. What do I do when I feel stressed with work, life or, God Forbid, self-inflicted financial woes? I shop to make myself feel in control of something. Grand f***ing slam. 


I'm not posting this to self-deprecate or to inflict any more emotional harm on myself, but instead to show that I am not perfect and that through this process, I will falter. It is human. What I am learning here, though, that's different from how I used to process these happenings is that I can forgive myself and move on. Yes, I need to set some new boundaries for myself and honor them (by respecting and honoring myself) but overall, I am not perfect and I can do better next time. 

Don't forget to hold yourself accountable, but also to love and embrace your weaknesses and imperfections. You don't need to accept them, but your awareness of them is the only way that you can improve them over time and grow into the most stable and balanced version of yourself. No one is perfect, not even the influencers, but perfect imperfection is the goal here. 

You are enough. You are beautiful. You are complete just as you are. And no, you don't need the iconic Chanel block slingback shoe to prove that to yourself (speaking in the mirror to myself :)). 

Please be well in these uncertain times and keep trying to find ways to reform your financial and your spiritual self. You are not alone and you are only human. 


XOXO 


V

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