Waiting to Exhale
Have you ever been really excited, nervous or anxious about something and literally held your breath without even realizing it? I personally tend to do this most when I am attempting a plank position and only realize that I need to breathe once I look into the mirror and notice that my face is well, purple. Anyways - I want to talk about those breaths that you keep when you are anxious; that air you hold hostage as a comfort when you are afraid to know or to see what happens next; the fear that paralyzes your most essential of bodily functions from acting normally. And where does this fear come from? A lot of things. But in this case, I guess my case, I want to highlight where my financial well being was implicated by my own fear and my own need to hold my breath in hopes that protection would also follow from you guessed it: real life.
We use a lot of things as excuses these days and while most of those are valid and accepted as reasons to justify certain behaviors, there is one in particular here that I want to focus on when it comes to money. Do you know when you've had a hard day and your friend calls and says "Hey- want to go shopping?" and you say "YEP! and let's get happy hour afterwards?" I know that conversation very well.
For years growing up, I never felt like I was good enough. I was surrounded always by beautiful people who seemed perfect on the outside. Perhaps the closest example of this in proximity to me was my Dad, God rest his soul, who was the most wonderful man, but I grew up watching him pretend to be perfect; watching him hide his demons from us and all of our friends until it was too late and they had taken him far past a point of any return. we lost him to suicide in 2015. The most devastating part of this, I am realizing 5 years later, is that he probably didn't feel safe "exhaling" and letting anyone help him through his burden. Why? Probably a lot of reasons, but I would put money on one word being the absolute culprit: Shame.
Shame is something we don't like to talk about. I mean really, who wants to sit around and chat about all of their shameful behaviors? Best believe that we ALL have them, but when we are put into "Fight or Flight" mode, it really feels like we are the only one who may suffer with a certain cause of shame. I'd like to think that there are levels of shame, but really any shame that we feel at any given point is either when we think about a certain habit, action or thought we have or when we get caught.
By definition, "shame" means: "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."
Can you imagine what happens when you don't accept, address and exhale this feeling? or when you don't feel safe enough to do so? I can. Because I've seen it. But guess what? We are all human and we make some BIG mistakes....HUGE. (get it :)). Can you also imagine a world without forgiveness? A type of world where you make one offense and you're done? The crazy thing is that: 1. that world will never exist for most people and 2. Most people who find themselves participating in shameful behavior still believe that when it is uncovered, that will be it for them. Our brain has a funny way of convincing us that we need to survive, which is great, until we have to deal with situations that require our most evolved parts of our brains and then quiet the primitive side.
Ok, that was a long tangent, but let's bring it back to why you're here: Money. So you go on the shopping trip in a sad emotional state, where you feel like a 4/10 and if you had a better outfit or that chic leather skirt that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you could feel better (no matter the $500 price tag because of course- you can PAY FOR IT LATER!). Say that you go on more shopping trips afterwards without first addressing your impulsive purchase from the previous trip. What do you think happens now? Right - you do it again. And after you make the buy, your adrenaline kicks in, makes you feel a little euphoric and you associate buying new things with a feeling of relief.
Let's fast forward 30 days to when you receive your credit card bill that is now $2000. You make $50,000/ year (so really like 1500/ 2 weeks). you just spent over half of your monthly take home pay on things that you can't pay off this month. But it's ok, you tell yourself, I'm going to space it out over the next few months. So here's the point - what happens when you go shopping to make yourself feel better again? Because in your mind, your physical looks, personality, and circumstances aren't enough to make you feel like enough.
Here's the thing - 10 years later, when you look back on it all, you don't feel euphoric or fulfilled. You feel empty, completely unfulfilled and ashamed. This is what happened to me and I can tell you with 100% certainty that it is the worst feeling I've ever felt. It was even worse when bill collectors started calling my MOM. This was the first time in my life I had to admit what was going on with me and where I was REALLY at. I can't even tell you how much shame I felt in this moment that I had to admit to her what had happened. She was worried, concerned and probably scared that there was a lot more that I wasn't telling her. I had wanted to tell her for years what I was going through, but I would never let myself believe that she could handle it. I just kept telling myself that I was strong enough to handle it on my own and that if I told anyone that they would never accept me and would want me out of their life. How sad is that?
After telling my mom, though, you know what I felt? RELIEF. I had finally released the air that I had been holding in for the past 15 years. It felt SO good to exhale and to finally tell the truth, not just to my mom, but to myself. I am still here, I am enough, and there is so much more to life that money and stuff. SO MUCH MORE.
So for today, please just find peace in the fact that when you look into the mirror, you better tell yourself that you are imperfect and that is beautiful and perfect in and of itself. Exhale. You are here for a reason and you are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS enough just as you are.
XOXO
V
We use a lot of things as excuses these days and while most of those are valid and accepted as reasons to justify certain behaviors, there is one in particular here that I want to focus on when it comes to money. Do you know when you've had a hard day and your friend calls and says "Hey- want to go shopping?" and you say "YEP! and let's get happy hour afterwards?" I know that conversation very well.
For years growing up, I never felt like I was good enough. I was surrounded always by beautiful people who seemed perfect on the outside. Perhaps the closest example of this in proximity to me was my Dad, God rest his soul, who was the most wonderful man, but I grew up watching him pretend to be perfect; watching him hide his demons from us and all of our friends until it was too late and they had taken him far past a point of any return. we lost him to suicide in 2015. The most devastating part of this, I am realizing 5 years later, is that he probably didn't feel safe "exhaling" and letting anyone help him through his burden. Why? Probably a lot of reasons, but I would put money on one word being the absolute culprit: Shame.
Shame is something we don't like to talk about. I mean really, who wants to sit around and chat about all of their shameful behaviors? Best believe that we ALL have them, but when we are put into "Fight or Flight" mode, it really feels like we are the only one who may suffer with a certain cause of shame. I'd like to think that there are levels of shame, but really any shame that we feel at any given point is either when we think about a certain habit, action or thought we have or when we get caught.
By definition, "shame" means: "a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior."
Can you imagine what happens when you don't accept, address and exhale this feeling? or when you don't feel safe enough to do so? I can. Because I've seen it. But guess what? We are all human and we make some BIG mistakes....HUGE. (get it :)). Can you also imagine a world without forgiveness? A type of world where you make one offense and you're done? The crazy thing is that: 1. that world will never exist for most people and 2. Most people who find themselves participating in shameful behavior still believe that when it is uncovered, that will be it for them. Our brain has a funny way of convincing us that we need to survive, which is great, until we have to deal with situations that require our most evolved parts of our brains and then quiet the primitive side.
Ok, that was a long tangent, but let's bring it back to why you're here: Money. So you go on the shopping trip in a sad emotional state, where you feel like a 4/10 and if you had a better outfit or that chic leather skirt that maybe, JUST MAYBE, you could feel better (no matter the $500 price tag because of course- you can PAY FOR IT LATER!). Say that you go on more shopping trips afterwards without first addressing your impulsive purchase from the previous trip. What do you think happens now? Right - you do it again. And after you make the buy, your adrenaline kicks in, makes you feel a little euphoric and you associate buying new things with a feeling of relief.
Let's fast forward 30 days to when you receive your credit card bill that is now $2000. You make $50,000/ year (so really like 1500/ 2 weeks). you just spent over half of your monthly take home pay on things that you can't pay off this month. But it's ok, you tell yourself, I'm going to space it out over the next few months. So here's the point - what happens when you go shopping to make yourself feel better again? Because in your mind, your physical looks, personality, and circumstances aren't enough to make you feel like enough.
Here's the thing - 10 years later, when you look back on it all, you don't feel euphoric or fulfilled. You feel empty, completely unfulfilled and ashamed. This is what happened to me and I can tell you with 100% certainty that it is the worst feeling I've ever felt. It was even worse when bill collectors started calling my MOM. This was the first time in my life I had to admit what was going on with me and where I was REALLY at. I can't even tell you how much shame I felt in this moment that I had to admit to her what had happened. She was worried, concerned and probably scared that there was a lot more that I wasn't telling her. I had wanted to tell her for years what I was going through, but I would never let myself believe that she could handle it. I just kept telling myself that I was strong enough to handle it on my own and that if I told anyone that they would never accept me and would want me out of their life. How sad is that?
After telling my mom, though, you know what I felt? RELIEF. I had finally released the air that I had been holding in for the past 15 years. It felt SO good to exhale and to finally tell the truth, not just to my mom, but to myself. I am still here, I am enough, and there is so much more to life that money and stuff. SO MUCH MORE.
So for today, please just find peace in the fact that when you look into the mirror, you better tell yourself that you are imperfect and that is beautiful and perfect in and of itself. Exhale. You are here for a reason and you are ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS enough just as you are.
XOXO
V
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