Please don't leave me...really....PLEASE!
It's a beautiful Sunday morning here where I am (almost forgot for 1 millisecond that 1. There is a global pandemic going on and 2. That there is still a mountain of debt looming over my head) and I am ready to knock one more pin down on this bowling lane of things that have kept me from really achieving financial freedom in my life. Because I have extra time on my hands on the weekends to think on my neighborhood walks with my dog that is now completely trained NOT to pull me into squirrel oblivion with him every 2 seconds, this post goes a little bit deeper.
Now that we have learned to breathe and release tension that we fear others will judge us for, it makes it a lot easier to recognize other issues with that one out of the way. This particular issue is one that applies to almost every area of life if you think about it, but it's sneaky. It's sneaky because we live in a society that banks on this feeling that you make experience. Let me just cut to the chase: the feeling is called FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. I found that for me, this sits close to the root of all of my issues, but I never really realized it until I surrendered my ideal that I knew everything about everything and everyone.
When you first realize this feeling, it feels, you guessed it, very lonely. Every day, we have the opportunity to form bonds with new people and with expressing vulnerability, openness, and trust in said people comes a huge amount of risk (for those of us who struggle with this issue). Risk because yes, it is great that someone new has entered my life, but what will happen in a month or a year or 10 years? What if I trust them and they let me down? What if they hurt me? What if I depend on them and they disappear?
For me personally, I put a lot of weight in finding validation through male attention at a young age. I am not saying that I was acting on any of that, but growing up, I was constantly around beautiful girls (I was one and just didn't know it - FACEPALM) who seemed to get all of the attention. In my growing and eager little brain, I KNEW that if I just had that attention too, I would definitely feel better. Fast forward to Senior year of high school and still awkward AF, nothing had really happened for me yet. In fact, I ended up with a group of friends who left me out of a lot of things that they were experiencing for one reason or another and that really hurt, too. The icing on the cake of my formative years was that for Senior prom, a night most look forward to, the boy who was supposed to ask me was told to ask someone else by my "friends" and I ended up taking a family friend. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't even gone. But by this point, my FOMO (fear of missing out) was sitting very comfortably in my psyche and was not going anywhere.
I made it to college, where the attention started to flood in. I was accepted and I was wanted. But, with most college-aged dudes, there was a lot more where I came from and they wanted to experience it. If I'd have realized this then, I wouldn't have taken each "ghost" so personally. But I did and I kept seeking inappropriate validation through attention and you guessed it again, STUFF. You know why? Because stuff would never leave me and I could control it. Those designer shoes would always be mine until I DECIDED that they shouldn't be anymore. LOL - this was really how I thought. I know... After leaving college, the snowball continued down the hill and I woke up last week with a mighty painful hangover and the financial ruin that my void-filling activity had rendered me a part of.
The story is not over yet though, I have to get one more big abandoning off of my chest. In 2014, we found out that my Dad was suffering from severe addiction to alcohol, opioids and other things. It was so scary and in relation to this theme, it felt like I was losing one complete half of my already shaky foundation. There is a lot more to this story that is honestly so gut-wrenching that it's difficult to talk about, but ultimately, in 2015, the day before Thanksgiving, he decided to leave for good by committing suicide in their back yard.
I don't really think that any loss in my life has or will leave a larger hole than that one. It's a tough reality to face without him and I have masked so much of my pain with more and more stuff. I bought and shopped and bought some more until I had created enough adrenaline and dopamine from the deals or just the validation from sales people that I was "well-off" that I could forget about how much losing him hurt me for one single second. Multiply this by 5 years and there you have the last but exponential landslide of my financial life. All of that and I still sit here with nothing but sadness for his loss. There is no object, house, vacation, outfit, or private jet that could cure that pain that sits in my gut. It's bearable, but will never be gone.
So - back to the present and a little lighter convo - because this is STILL the weekend. We've established that a fear of abandonment gives us a reason to feel like we need to find things to be in control of - because we can't control others - but what does that mean financially? Where do we draw the line now?
I think it's prudent to mention here that we do have control over someone: OURSELVES! We spend so much time trying to influence and control others, so what if we look in the mirror and take our own advice and work to control our actions and decisions?
I never was taught how to budget in school. Were you? Now, more than ever, a budget has been the best way that I have ever used to just get an IDEA of what I am spending (hint hint: most of this stuff is really not needed). I also like to sit own at the end of every day and do an exercise where I look at my banking app transactions (because I only use one card now - a debit card) and ask myself WHY I bought or paid for something and usually they fall into the following categories for me:
A. Essential life supply. I need this to live. IE: Rent, Power bill, Food, Insurance, Gas, Cable (which we need to dial down post pandemic), Dog supplies for my pups and their insurance, Doctor visits , Car expenses
B. Things that make living life a little more comfortable: Netflix, ordering take out (limit this as it adds up very quickly - we can talk about my 2016 postmates bill later...), Pandora subscription, better toiletries ( I am really into skin care), and my Noom subscription - it seriously works, the ROOMBA
C. Gifts for others
D. Things I buy to fill holes that should be filled with therapy, instead. IE: non essential clothing (shocker - I don't need ANYTHING for a very long time), things that are a good deal, "Best of" products from buzzfeed articles, Box of Style subscription, Fab Fit Fun, every bodysuit known to man (and jumpsuit for that matter), those valentino pumps that I will pay off over the next 5 months courtesy of AfterPay.
The point here is this: Guess which of these categories actually mean something to me in the long run and feel the MOST rewarding to buy after the fact? A and C. That's it, with the exception of Noom and the Roomba. After this exercise, I also noticed that I felt the most satisfaction from being in control of my finances and being able to have enough money to save after paying for category A and a little of B and C. I never understood how good that feels until now. The kicker- I have never felt better NOT buying expensive things to mask my pain.
To tie this all back to my fear of abandonment, I think it's important to note that there should never be a connection or correlation between the actions of other people and how you spend your money. It's a slippery slope once you're on it and people have one thing that you also need to mange for yourself: Free will. Not everyone is going to love you and you are going to lose some people along your journey of life. Just remember that you are here for a reason, there is a plan for you, and you are definitely enough without having to buy stuff to belong. I am here to tell you that I have done that and attempted my way into the highest echelons of society and the thing is that the people from that 1% who have become close friends of mine do not care that I am wearing Gucci or Prada, they care about who I am. The ones who matter don't mind, and THE ONES WHO MIND DO NOT MATTER.
Until next time - you are loved, you are enough, and we are going to get through this together.
XOXO
V
Now that we have learned to breathe and release tension that we fear others will judge us for, it makes it a lot easier to recognize other issues with that one out of the way. This particular issue is one that applies to almost every area of life if you think about it, but it's sneaky. It's sneaky because we live in a society that banks on this feeling that you make experience. Let me just cut to the chase: the feeling is called FEAR OF ABANDONMENT. I found that for me, this sits close to the root of all of my issues, but I never really realized it until I surrendered my ideal that I knew everything about everything and everyone.
When you first realize this feeling, it feels, you guessed it, very lonely. Every day, we have the opportunity to form bonds with new people and with expressing vulnerability, openness, and trust in said people comes a huge amount of risk (for those of us who struggle with this issue). Risk because yes, it is great that someone new has entered my life, but what will happen in a month or a year or 10 years? What if I trust them and they let me down? What if they hurt me? What if I depend on them and they disappear?
For me personally, I put a lot of weight in finding validation through male attention at a young age. I am not saying that I was acting on any of that, but growing up, I was constantly around beautiful girls (I was one and just didn't know it - FACEPALM) who seemed to get all of the attention. In my growing and eager little brain, I KNEW that if I just had that attention too, I would definitely feel better. Fast forward to Senior year of high school and still awkward AF, nothing had really happened for me yet. In fact, I ended up with a group of friends who left me out of a lot of things that they were experiencing for one reason or another and that really hurt, too. The icing on the cake of my formative years was that for Senior prom, a night most look forward to, the boy who was supposed to ask me was told to ask someone else by my "friends" and I ended up taking a family friend. In retrospect, I wish I hadn't even gone. But by this point, my FOMO (fear of missing out) was sitting very comfortably in my psyche and was not going anywhere.
I made it to college, where the attention started to flood in. I was accepted and I was wanted. But, with most college-aged dudes, there was a lot more where I came from and they wanted to experience it. If I'd have realized this then, I wouldn't have taken each "ghost" so personally. But I did and I kept seeking inappropriate validation through attention and you guessed it again, STUFF. You know why? Because stuff would never leave me and I could control it. Those designer shoes would always be mine until I DECIDED that they shouldn't be anymore. LOL - this was really how I thought. I know... After leaving college, the snowball continued down the hill and I woke up last week with a mighty painful hangover and the financial ruin that my void-filling activity had rendered me a part of.
The story is not over yet though, I have to get one more big abandoning off of my chest. In 2014, we found out that my Dad was suffering from severe addiction to alcohol, opioids and other things. It was so scary and in relation to this theme, it felt like I was losing one complete half of my already shaky foundation. There is a lot more to this story that is honestly so gut-wrenching that it's difficult to talk about, but ultimately, in 2015, the day before Thanksgiving, he decided to leave for good by committing suicide in their back yard.
I don't really think that any loss in my life has or will leave a larger hole than that one. It's a tough reality to face without him and I have masked so much of my pain with more and more stuff. I bought and shopped and bought some more until I had created enough adrenaline and dopamine from the deals or just the validation from sales people that I was "well-off" that I could forget about how much losing him hurt me for one single second. Multiply this by 5 years and there you have the last but exponential landslide of my financial life. All of that and I still sit here with nothing but sadness for his loss. There is no object, house, vacation, outfit, or private jet that could cure that pain that sits in my gut. It's bearable, but will never be gone.
So - back to the present and a little lighter convo - because this is STILL the weekend. We've established that a fear of abandonment gives us a reason to feel like we need to find things to be in control of - because we can't control others - but what does that mean financially? Where do we draw the line now?
I think it's prudent to mention here that we do have control over someone: OURSELVES! We spend so much time trying to influence and control others, so what if we look in the mirror and take our own advice and work to control our actions and decisions?
I never was taught how to budget in school. Were you? Now, more than ever, a budget has been the best way that I have ever used to just get an IDEA of what I am spending (hint hint: most of this stuff is really not needed). I also like to sit own at the end of every day and do an exercise where I look at my banking app transactions (because I only use one card now - a debit card) and ask myself WHY I bought or paid for something and usually they fall into the following categories for me:
A. Essential life supply. I need this to live. IE: Rent, Power bill, Food, Insurance, Gas, Cable (which we need to dial down post pandemic), Dog supplies for my pups and their insurance, Doctor visits , Car expenses
B. Things that make living life a little more comfortable: Netflix, ordering take out (limit this as it adds up very quickly - we can talk about my 2016 postmates bill later...), Pandora subscription, better toiletries ( I am really into skin care), and my Noom subscription - it seriously works, the ROOMBA
C. Gifts for others
D. Things I buy to fill holes that should be filled with therapy, instead. IE: non essential clothing (shocker - I don't need ANYTHING for a very long time), things that are a good deal, "Best of" products from buzzfeed articles, Box of Style subscription, Fab Fit Fun, every bodysuit known to man (and jumpsuit for that matter), those valentino pumps that I will pay off over the next 5 months courtesy of AfterPay.
The point here is this: Guess which of these categories actually mean something to me in the long run and feel the MOST rewarding to buy after the fact? A and C. That's it, with the exception of Noom and the Roomba. After this exercise, I also noticed that I felt the most satisfaction from being in control of my finances and being able to have enough money to save after paying for category A and a little of B and C. I never understood how good that feels until now. The kicker- I have never felt better NOT buying expensive things to mask my pain.
To tie this all back to my fear of abandonment, I think it's important to note that there should never be a connection or correlation between the actions of other people and how you spend your money. It's a slippery slope once you're on it and people have one thing that you also need to mange for yourself: Free will. Not everyone is going to love you and you are going to lose some people along your journey of life. Just remember that you are here for a reason, there is a plan for you, and you are definitely enough without having to buy stuff to belong. I am here to tell you that I have done that and attempted my way into the highest echelons of society and the thing is that the people from that 1% who have become close friends of mine do not care that I am wearing Gucci or Prada, they care about who I am. The ones who matter don't mind, and THE ONES WHO MIND DO NOT MATTER.
Until next time - you are loved, you are enough, and we are going to get through this together.
XOXO
V
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